Previously on folie à deux… Spencer and Heidi are insane.
Holly meets Stephanie for lunch to discuss the craziness that is Speidi. Holly tells SP that she misses her sister and just wants her to be happy. ”Screw that,” says SP. “I don’t want her to be happy, I want her to be normal again.” Sing it, sister. Aaaaand credits.
Heidi meets Kristin for lunch. ”You’re so little now,” Kristin exclaims. Well, that’s what happens when you suck half of your body out through a tube. Heidi tells Kristin how Spencer is missing Brody (aw!). Kristin broaches the topic of Spencer’s lunacy to a not-at-all-in-denial Heidi:
The recording studio. Audrina is meeting her boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera (ew), as he records a sure-to-be-hit song! Woo! We obviously are hearing the fully produced, finished product instead of him singing live; both, I’m certain, are equally awful. Audrina invites Ryan to Wonderland (a club, not the Val Kilmer movie). But Ryan doesn’t want to go out with Audrina’s friends. Because they all suck.
Wonderland. Brody offers Kristin a shot. She refuses because SHE DOESN’T HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM.
Audrina and Stephanie enter and greet the boys. SP offers to let Kristin use her spray tan machine in the future. I thought they were mortal enemies? Does spray tanning conquer all? Quick, get Mystic Tan to Al Qaeda, stat!
Brody approaches Audrina. Brody sort of confesses his crush on her without, you know, actually saying something. ”Brody, I have a boyfriend,” says Audrina. She then tells Bromance that he always wants what he can’t have. No, he always goes after girls he can’t have so people don’t realize he’s (allegedly) gay. He’s diabolical, that Bromance.
Spencer enters, and everyone pees a little. Kristin calls to him, and he patently ignores the girls. Brody gives Spencer a heart to heart, pleading with him to hang out more. ”You’re so stuck in your marriage… you’re not happy right now.” Spencer just shakes his sweaty head.
SP wants to leave, and Bromance calls Audrina over to where Spencer and he are sitting. Audrina asks Spencer, “Spencer, where’s Heidi?” The words apparently morph somewhere between Audrina’s mouth and Spencer’s ear, leading to more craziness:
Audrina just rolls her eyes and leaves as Bromance says, “Dude, relax, bro. What’s wrong with you?” Spencer replies, “I hate that b*tch, excuse my French.” Excuse my French? AHAHAHA! But seriously, what is wrong with you?
Bromance starts yelling at Spencer for being Spencer, and Mr. Pratt says, “That’s the loudest anyone’s yelled in my face for three years.” (Huh?) Bromance is simply done with Spencer. Ugh, so am I.
“People don’t know how dangerous I am,” Spencer tells minor player Frankie. For real question: Why isn’t MTV doing anything about this? This isn’t for show anymore. This is crazy time. Commercial.
T Salon. SP and Audrina are sipping tea and discussing (who else?) Speidi. Audrina tells SP that Heidi called asking for a lunch date, sounding upset. They freak out over Spencer’s deranged transformation. ”He looked so thin…” “He has so much aggression inside.” ”I don’t understand what’s happened to him.” Does anyone? Stephanie laments how Heidi no longer speaks to her or Holly. Yeah, because she knows that they won’t laugh off Spencer’s abuse.
Villa Blanca. The ladies meet for lunch. Audrina and Kristin greet and then discuss Spencer’s cuckoo blowup at Wonderland. Heidi interrupts their gossipfest mid-sentence, heh. They make small talk for approximately 10 seconds about Heidi’s shorts (she MADE them, y’all!) before Audrina asks Heidi why Spencer went off on her at the club. “Don’t you think he owes me an apology?” asks Audrina. “Apology for WHAT?” snips Heidi. “He yelled at me for no reason,” replies Audrina. “I just think he has a lot going on,” answers Heidi. SO DOES EVERYONE, HEIDI. Stop apologizing for his aberrant, abusive behavior. Even airheaded Audrina knows this and tells Heidi to stop making excuses. “All guys are a little bit controlling, so if you think something different…” snots Heidi. First of all, that’s not true, and second of all, Spencer is more than a LITTLE controlling. But Heidi’s not done, “I changed myself… I don’t have time; I don’t have energy. That’s why I’ve cut people out.” Whatever, fruitcake.
Club Voyeur, West Hollywood. The crew meets for drinks. Lo’s here! Oh, I’ve missed you so. And I love Bromance’s ever-changing facial hair, editors. Bromance and Kristin kiss. Excuse me for a moment. BLAAAARRRRGH! There, I’m better.
Heidi and Spencer enter the club. Woah, here we go again. BLAAAARRRRGH! Jeez. SP says, “I can’t believe they came.” I can; they’re attention whores. Heidi gives Kristin a crystal and talks mumbo jumbo while Kristin plays along.
Cut to Holly threatening Spencer to some random guy. “I will kick his little p*ssy ass punk b*tch across town, and then he can shut up once and for all.” Kiss Sanjaya with that mouth?
Cut to more bizarre behavior, as Spencer lists what he doesn’t let Heidi do (charmant!):
Watch “Logged Out of The Matrix.”
Honestly, this is so not an act, and Heidi is such a weirdo robot.
As Speidi acts crazy, Holly is “about to lose it.” Holly is mad that Heidi is ignoring her. ”Why do I stick up for you when you just walk all over me and treat me like shit?” she asks, rhetorically. Why, indeed, Holly?
Commercial, and then we’re at Kristin’s house. OMG! Bromance is in a half shirt! It’s like he can’t help himself.
Ew, Kristin and Bro discuss hooking up the night before. I swallow vomit and continue. Kristin broaches the subject of their semi-relationship. Bromance shuts it down by saying how he enjoys being single. Ouch! The talk turns to Speidi. Of course.
They then decide to go back to bed. ”Leave the crop top on,” says a seductive Kristin. OH COME ON! You’re killing me here!
Cut to SP and Lo! Yay, Lo! The talk is about Heidi and Spencer. Duh. They drive to Kristin’s to discuss the Speidi situation with the whole shebang of girls. Lo tells SP she has to let go of Speidi. Wise, wise Lo.
The girls congregate and immediately begin espousing their opinions on the situation:
Kristin thinks Heidi is trapped by Spencer’s anger. SP thinks Heidi is manipulative. Lo thinks Heidi masks her guilt by playing the role of the victim. Holly thinks they are both unforgivable, and then she breaks down crying. Christine thinks it’s time to turn off the TV. Kristin rightly says that neither of them have anyone left. SP cries. Holly wants to treat them like addicts and stop being there for them. They all decide to cut Speidi out of their lives, not even talking about them. But it’s hard for Holly. ”I feel like she’s gone forever,” she sobs. Poor Holly. (I don’t even mean that facetiously.) They all feel bad for the two sisters as sad music plays.
