Previously on Brody sucks, Brody SUUUUUCKS.

We open on Brody and Kristin at a bar discussing their “relationship.”  Kristin tells Brody she wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings by dating someone else.  Brody relieves her of this burden.  “I’m ENJOYING being single,” he says… AGAIN.  If you are, Brody, then stop acting like Kristin is your girlfriend.  In other news, I can’t believe I’m sticking up for Kristin Cavallari.

Credits.  Who is this “Heidi” person in the opening?  I don’t recognize her.

Audrina’s house.  She’s having lunch with, ew, Ryan “Glommer On” Cabrera.  Audrina broaches the subject of Ryan hanging out with her friends.  In response, Ryan sings a line from the song “No Drama.”  We get it, Ryan.  You’re a “singer.”  Instead of going out with her, he says, he’ll be waiting at home in his “candy thong.”  As if I could like him less.

Lo (yay!) and Stephanie are walking down Melrose Avenue, engaging in a little gal talk.  Stephanie laments her lack of a boyfriend.  But she’s ready for one now, y’all.  She’s sober, and she’s let go of Speidi.  Lo, ever resourceful, has a guy for her and offers to go on a double date.  SP is nervous:

Watch “I’m 23, and I’m Sober.”

Oh, Lo.  You are so wise.

Kristin’s house.  Audrina and Kristin are chillin’, eatin’ popcorn, drinkin’ wine.  The girls discuss Ryan Ewewew.  Audrina feels so much better now that their relationship is labeled exclusive.  “What about you and Brody?” Audrina asks, a devilish smile on her face.  Really, Audrina?  “We’re having a good time,” says Kristin, her face completely contradicting the statement.  Audrina tells Kristin to watch her back because although Brody is acting like a boyfriend, he’s obviously dating other girls.  Kristin decides to call Brody, and…

Brody is at Agave, out on a date with a girl named McKaela.  Yikes.  McKaela has a “no phone at table” rule, so he ignores the call. Why does Bromance’s chin look so butt-like this episode?

Back to Kristin.  She’s upset because “that’s like the third time today it’s gone straight to voicemail.”  “He’s acting really weird,” adds Kristin.  No, he’s acting like the giant douche that he is.

Back to Brody.  He’s explaining to McKaela who called.  Why?  What is the point of that?  Well, to show just how “in demand” he is, I suppose.  Gross.  Bromance and McKaela get to know each other better.  McKaela has only lived in LA for six months.  And she’s already snagged a reality star?  Someone knows how to play the game.  “I think the hardest thing for me is trying to find genuine friends,” says McCheesa.  “I can be your genuine friend,” answers Bromance.

Yep, totally genuine.

The two talk about surfing.  McCheesa mentions taking off her clothes, and Brody’s head pops off.  “Let’s get out of here,” says he, lasciviously.  Dang, I’m sick of this show making me barf.

Commercial.  Bromance is “golfing” with Charlie at Griffith Park.  They reminisce about popping pimples.  Class all the way.  They then discuss the difficulty of bringing McCheesa around all the other girls, especially Kristin.  Well, duh.  “Even if she’s nice, I think those girls will just eat her up alive,” says Charlie.  Double duh.  “Aren’t people allowed to just, like, hook up but just be friends?“  Yeah, they are Bro, but that’s not what you’re doing.  You’re using Kristin as a surrogate girlfriend until you can find someone “better.”  That’s not just “hooking up.”  You can’t have it both ways, my friend.

SP’s apartment.  Tea is ready.  Dang, this girl really likes tea.  Audrina is discussing EWEW EWEWEW.  She’s convinced him to go out with her friends, y’all!  SP talks about her upcoming blind date.  “He has a car?” asks Audrina.  The most important characteristic of all, apparently.  God, you’re thick, girl.  Anyway, the guy is a professional lacrosse player.  SP doesn’t know what that is.  Ugh, dumb and dumber.  SP is nervous about how the guy will react to all of the complications in her life:

Watch “It’s All Fun and Games Until You Go to Jail.”

Jane’s House, Hollywood.  The music is pumping, and Brody brings his new gal to the club.  Everyone greets.  Audrina tells Bro that Kristin is going to “flip out” when she arrives.  The director cues Kristin to enter.  Heh.  Bromance is relishing the drama:

Watch “Smarmy.”

OMG, he sucks so bad.

Kristin walks over to the girls.  She’s super upset and admits having feelings for Brody.  Brody points out the gossiping girls to McKaela for some reason.  McCheesa is a little intimidated.  Bromance wants to leave:

Watch “What Do You Want Me to Do?”

Bromance, you are making McCheesa really uncomfortable.  I can’t tell if he’s trying to make KC jealous or if he wants to look like a lady killer on TV.  Either way, he’s a user.

The next day, Kristin is walking with her friend Stacie, recapping the awkward evening.  “It’s like he brought her there just to flaunt her in front of you, says Stacie.  EXACTLY.  They agree that the girl has to know that Bromance and Kristin are more than “just friends.”  Stacie tells Kristin to go talk to Bromance.

Lo and SP are getting ready for the double date.  SP is totes nervous.  Lo’s boyfriend Scott arrives with SP’s date, Max.  SP is so nervous she can’t concentrate on what anyone’s saying.  It’s totally endearing.  The group goes to the W Hotel.

Everyone orders drinks, and SP orders a coke.  Lo gives her a girl power fist raise.  The date, however, is a tad awkward:

Watch “I Like What’s Happening Right Now.”

The girls then go to the bathroom to size up the situation.  SP is nervous about Max’s young age.  Screw that, says Lo.  “He’s clearly far beyond any guy I’ve ever known you to date,” offers Lo.  Ouch.  But true.  “I’m a good match maker,” smiles Lo.  Oh, Lo.  You are precious.

Cut to the group leaving the restaurant.  Max offers SP his coat and tells her he had a good time.  He asks her out again and gets SP’s digits.  Sweet.  I see babies in the future!

Onto the good stuff.  Kristin goes to Bro’s condo to discuss the awful outing at Jane’s House.  Brody admonishes her for not hugging him as she entered his place.  Get over yourself, Bro.  You aren’t that cute.  They discuss their “situation.”  You must check out Brody’s tortured logic:

Watch “Shut Up.”

Yeah, Brody.  Shut. Up.