We open on Kristin’s friend Stacie and her pooch Charlie visiting Ms. Cavallari at her home. Kristin is so, so sad. She needs a boyfriend, you see, not just a friend with benefits. Stacie agrees:
Hmm, from the looks of it, Stacie has been the Brody a few times in a “relationship.”
So, the two decide to go man hunting in Venice Beach. Well, if you want to date a dude who hasn’t had a job or a shower in a long, loooong while, then Venice is perfect.
Credits.
Lo meets Brody’s latest conquest McKaela at Della Terra for lunch. JUDAS! Apparently, they were in the same sorority, so that makes up for Benedict Lo’s behavior (ha!). Frankly, I’m disappointed in Lo’s lack of loyalty. McKaela pretends she doesn’t know that Lo works for Smashbox Studios. Lo offers her an internship. Et tu, Lo? McKaela then asks Lo about the Krstin situation:
Yeah, I’d be nice to Kristin Cavallari too. Else she’ll gut you with her chin.
Nighttime, and Kristin and Stacie are at Nikki’s bar “on the prowl.” The guys are slim pickins. For reals:
Cut to Almalfi. Brody and Mckaela are out on another vomit-inducing date. McKaela “interrogates” him about the KC situation. A bit of advice girl: if you suspect something’s going on, it’s worse than you imagine. Anyway, Bromance gets super snippy about her questions. Oh, how dare she ask you about who else you’re dating. Queen. “You’re going to have to deal with it; it’s a part of life,” he smarms. How about she deal you a swift kick to the nether regions, Bro?
Back to Venice with the manhunters. The pickings are even worse. I mean, “Are you a fan of the movie Can’t Hardly Wait?” is not exactly the best pickup line I’ve ever heard. The girls desperately wait for a cute guy. It doesn’t happen, and so we go to commercial.
And we’re back! It’s Steph and Audrina. And they’re shopping. (I know, I was shocked too.) Audrina admits that Ryan stayed with her when he was between homes (dude, all these people own houses, argh!). Audrina admits she is starting to get sick of Ryan. FINALLY! I’ve been sick of him since 2004. Audrina invites SP and Lo to The Viper Room to check out some band named Purple Melon. They pick out purses in a not-at-all-sponsored segment of the show.
Smashbox Studios. McKaela arrives for her internship interview, and I couldn’t care less. I do, however, love that Lo’s skirt is obscenely short.
I mean, dang, Lo.
Interview, blah, blah, blah. Oh! McKaela majored in art history. For some reason, that’s hilarious. Anyway, she’s hired. Duh. Lo looks devilishly pleased.
Cut to Kristin working out with an inept trainer. He’s probably an extra. Stacie arrives at the gym. They discuss how sucky the guys were in Venice. (Well, duh.) Kristen discusses becoming celibate, giving up the Hollywood scene, and volunteering at a homeless shelter. Just kidding! But she is sick of the way guys treat her. Kristin is sad that Bromance and her are no longer friends and that he hasn’t contacted her since their fight. BECAUSE HE’S NOT YOUR FRIEND KRISTIN. He’s a narcissistic tool. “It hurts,” she says. “He sucks,” I say.
Nighttime. The three amigos head to The Viper Room wearing their “rocker clothes.” Whatevs. Purple Melon sucks purple melon. The girls obligingly clap, but God, they’re terrible. All of a sudden the club erupts into chants of “Ed Stanley!” Turns out Ed Stanley is Audrina’s ex JUSTIN BOBBY’S band. Oh, Audrina. Lo and SP just can’t believe Justin Bobby is in a band:
Anyway, Audrina pretends like it’s soooo awkward for her to be there, but you can tell she’s all tingly in her swimsuit area.
The band starts, and they’re The Rolling Stones next to Purple Melon. Lo remarks about JB’s passion in a snarky way. Because she’s Lo. Audrina loves that JB removes his shirt; she’s totally giggly. God, Audrina, keep it in your pants. After the show, she says hi to her ex. The two hug and flirt. Looks like JB hasn’t gotten over his case of TMJ. Poor guy. The girls leave, and Audrina goes home to touch herself inappropriately during the commercial.
After the break, Audrina goes to visit Ryan Ca-ew-a at his new house. ARGH, I don’t even know what this guy sings, and his house is amazing. I hate him so much. But enough about me, is Audrina going to tell Ryan that she saw Justin Bobby? No, she glides right over it. Naughty girl. And conveniently, Ryan is going on tour leaving Audrina to “touch base with friends [she hasn't] seen in forever.“ Friends like, oh I don’t know, JUSTIN BOBBY? Double naughty, Audrina.
Smashbox Studios. Oh God, this subplot is so boring. Can we Speidi this up? Luckily, Lo knows how to enliven things:
Way to slyly stir up the shizzle. I forgive you for fraternizing with McKaela. Or is it sororitzing?
Voyeur, West Hollywood. SP and Audrina meet Kristin and Stacie at the club. Brody arrives. Ugh. He says the girls are looking “banging.” Double ugh. Then he says he’s raging. Someone shoot me. I mean, for Pete’s sake, want some wine with that cheese, Bro?
After the barrage on our ears, Bromance greets the girls. He tries to “charmingly” win over Kristin as she totally undresses him with her eyes. I barf yet again:
I bet he kisses himself in the mirror every night.
Cut to Justin Bobby entering the club, looking like a homeless man. Audrina is beside herself with excitement. God, I’d hate to see her on Hollywood Blvd; she’d probably faint in ecstasies.
Cut back to Kristin who asks Brody about McKaela. Brody keeps Kristin dangling by complaining about the “difficulties” with his latest girltoy:
Hmm, I’m starting to like Kristin more and more.
Anyway, JB and Audrina flirt some more while KC and Bromance leave together to do what I can only imagine are horrible, horrible things. Horrible things. I’m going to crawl into a fetal position and weep quietly now.
